| my eating/ body image problems |
[Sep. 13th, 2005|09:42 pm] |
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growing up for me was wonderful, even though my parents had really bad fights constantly, and i was always arould them when they would fight, i did have a nice childhood however when i was eight my grandfather died of cancer,and a year later my sister got diabetes, this is when things started to change. my parents would ignore me all the time, and they bought my sister anything she want, more importantly they seemed to love her more than me and my brother,a few months later my other grandfather was diagnosed with cancer, while this was all going on i joined my first softball team, i never played mainly b/c i was not good enough, and they did not give me a chance, by the time softball was starting my grandfather had passed away. things started getting really bad at his pervious house, b/c my uncle( who is a drug addict) was stealing from my grandmother, and threaten to kill her, after along time we finnaly put the house up for sale( i know this seems like it has nothing to do with an ed but it does) after this time i had reach the age of 12 and i got my first dog. i always tried to be perfect and the perviouse year i was able to eat whatever i want and not gian weight however it caught up to me, and people notice and started making comment to me. i started feeling bad about every part of my body,my dad and sister were the ones who were the worst with the comments, even my friends made comment. this is when my outfits started changing i started to cover up more b/c i was insurcure, i became a vegetarian( still am one) and started starving myself, i end up fainting at a sport event, so to give myself energy i would eat and if i ate to much i would throw it up afterwards, no one new about my ed yet, until i went on a softball trip with my team, there were rumors going arould that i was bulimic and anorexic. my parent became worried so i was went to the dentist( my teeth were messed up from all the vomiting) and since i was really thin, and never ate they also new i was anorexic. so at the being of 8th grade for me i started to see a doctor, i would go one every few week, get dressed in a grown, get weighed backward, get bloodwork done,( while this was going on people still commented about my weight, and told me i was getting fatter) during the winter i was sent to my first ed thepist, who took me out of school and into an out patient treatment center, i stay there for 3 weeks,i was forced into the recovery, the only thing i learned about was pro ed in there,( i also relapse on bulimia after recovery, but i have not throw up in over 2 years) when i came back to school everyone knew about my problem, they all thought i got better, but i never did. i saw girls who were so thin and i wished i was them, i felt fat and completly gross. when i was finally able to see my weight i cryed i went from 85 to 110 in a short period of time, so when my mom told my ed thepist( its a new one) what happen on the scale he told me it was alright , and said i could afford to lose weight, this did not make me feel good, my body image got worse. one day during therpy my dad walked out b/c my therapist told he that all those years of putting me down, help me develop an ed, and when he asked my dad to describe me to him he said" i was a spoiled brat who only used him for his money" which is unture i have never asked for anything, my sister was the one they loved not me, after that mess at therapy i was discharged b/c he said he could not help me anymore, things seem to be great, but the would soon change again, at the begining of 9th grade my look had changed i was completly cover upin baggy jeans and hoddies, mainly b/c i hated my body, but i was happy not to have to go to theapy, or the doctors, however in november my softball team broke up, the next day DYFS came to our house with a complianted about my family, the first report was about me and my ed, and it turns out b/c i was not going to school my dad called the school and told them i was sick and needed help and my ed was causing this, but this was unture i had axiety attacks, and was very depressed and that why i was not going to school, but no one believed me so i was back into theapy, i became very depressed b/c of this and stop going to school for 2 weeks, all i did was sleep and eat. my weight was rising but i did not care until the scale reach 118, i refused to go to therapy and started restricting again, by the end of 10th grade i lost 20lbs, felt great and was down to eating nothing, or very little, also over the summer i was forced by dyfs to go back into theapy again, however my therapist realized that making me get better was not working, so he told my mom to leave me alone. now im in 11th grade, my weight goes up and down alot. my body image is really messed up, i wear hoddies, and baggy jeans all the time even the summer, and im starving myself again, my goal this year is to become the thinnest i came possibley become and i will not stop until i reach my goal..... |
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